About six years ago, or a little more, I first met a guy called Ben Stokes. We met in the bar of the Cavalry & Guards Club where we were both members at the time. [I have never actually served in the Armed Forces but Ben had held a short service commission in The Queen's Dragoon Guards.]. It must have been love at first sight. We had lunch together and then I invited him for a drink at the House of Lords later that day. As we walked across the park we chatted amiably. During the conversation Ben happened to make a reference to his "fiancee". My heart sank like a stone. Oh well, I thought. Hey ho.
Ben is an evangelical Christian and I am a committed Catholic so religion was one of the areas of mutual interest. So began an intense relationship (no sex please - were Christians!) that only very recently came to an abrupt end. Ben got married not long after we met. His choice of partner did not appeal to me much but I did not feel that our loving friendship should conflict with his domestic arrangements.
For six years I loved Ben with all my heart. We spoke almost every day on the 'phone. We texted like mad but then over the last eighteen months Ben developed a reluctance to reciprocate the texting in an attempt to distance himself from me. Ben is a countryman and lives in the Cotswolds (Hinton, near Chippenham - Wilts). He is a keen horseman and rides to hounds with the Beaufort Hunt. He is actually obsessed with the outdoor life. I, on the other hand, am a Londoner and while I enjoy visits to the country, I really prefer the metropolitan life. Ben and I used to meet about once a month, either when I would have occasion to travel to the South-West (I travel frequently) or if Ben came to London. I looked forward to these visits hugely although Ben had a frustrating habit of leaving the arrangements to the last minute and you'd never be sure that a meeting would actually go ahead until 'Boy Wonder' was actually standing next to you! He was selfish in that respect and in so many others, he loved to leave you "hanging on".
We enjoyed occasional holidays (Italy; Milan & Rome). So much of what we did had a romantic feel to it. I am a very tactile person and yearn for hugs and cuddles. Ben would oblige on this front but rarely with ease. Whenever we parted my throat would develop a lump and my eyes would well-up with tears. The amount of times we ended up hanging onto one another at Bristol Parkway station! I think "Christ Died At Bristol Parkway" might be a good title for a pamphlet I might write on unrequited love!
When you love someone unconditionally they become a big part of your life. You want to tell him you love him. You want to send him a card. You text him. You while away very many moments thinking about the person. You buy him gifts to demonstrate appreciation. You spend money you didn't have ... you run up huge 'phone bills ... you expend yourself in a hundred and one ways, thanking Almighty God for introducing that person into your life. And then what?
Well this is what happened to me : total contempt and gradual rejection became the order of the day. Ben would make it difficult to organise for us to be together, citing all sorts of pedestrian excuses. If you sent him a gift it would be rarely acknowledged. His telephone manner would become unbearably haughty and rude. He would know what would upset you and then do his level best to repeat the circumstances again and again. He would tease. Although he can reasonably expect to inherit great wealth and lives very comfortably he developed an extraordinary mean-spirited approach to life and those who love him. He absorbed much and gave little.
Our loving friendship became a source of great pain and continual rows. Ben would always talk you round to his way of thinking and then terminate the argument only to learn nothing and soon after drive you mad for the very same reason as before. He turned out to be a cold, calculating, manipulative person. I understand that a broken home background is the basis for Ben being unwilling to respond to a loving approach with anything other than contempt.
I found myself in Chippenham on Ascension Day this year. Ben cited a "Parish Council Meeting" as a reason to avoid us getting together. For me it was the last straw. No officialdom like minor officialdom eh? He couldn't be bothered to travel the few miles to see somebody he was supposed to love once. The following week he joined a church delegation visit to Malawi. I thought it was ironic that somebody who was effortlessly creating a lot of pain back in England was heading out to save Africa.
Since then our communication has disintegrated. We have rowed, exchanged unpleasant views about one another etc. Crossed the thin divide between love and hate. I gave Ben my all. In return he has hurt me more than any other individual I have met. His cowardice has precluded a civilised parting of the ways and I understand someone else who has a propensity to be a bit hysterical has sought to involve the police in our little domestic unhappiness. So there we are.
I am trying to be positive and rebuild my life. Ben drove me to contemplate the unthinkable. But I know that God loves me and wants me to be happy. I pray that He enables an introduction to someone who proves to be genuinely able and willing to share. Life Is Worth Living!
Ben is an evangelical Christian and I am a committed Catholic so religion was one of the areas of mutual interest. So began an intense relationship (no sex please - were Christians!) that only very recently came to an abrupt end. Ben got married not long after we met. His choice of partner did not appeal to me much but I did not feel that our loving friendship should conflict with his domestic arrangements.
For six years I loved Ben with all my heart. We spoke almost every day on the 'phone. We texted like mad but then over the last eighteen months Ben developed a reluctance to reciprocate the texting in an attempt to distance himself from me. Ben is a countryman and lives in the Cotswolds (Hinton, near Chippenham - Wilts). He is a keen horseman and rides to hounds with the Beaufort Hunt. He is actually obsessed with the outdoor life. I, on the other hand, am a Londoner and while I enjoy visits to the country, I really prefer the metropolitan life. Ben and I used to meet about once a month, either when I would have occasion to travel to the South-West (I travel frequently) or if Ben came to London. I looked forward to these visits hugely although Ben had a frustrating habit of leaving the arrangements to the last minute and you'd never be sure that a meeting would actually go ahead until 'Boy Wonder' was actually standing next to you! He was selfish in that respect and in so many others, he loved to leave you "hanging on".
We enjoyed occasional holidays (Italy; Milan & Rome). So much of what we did had a romantic feel to it. I am a very tactile person and yearn for hugs and cuddles. Ben would oblige on this front but rarely with ease. Whenever we parted my throat would develop a lump and my eyes would well-up with tears. The amount of times we ended up hanging onto one another at Bristol Parkway station! I think "Christ Died At Bristol Parkway" might be a good title for a pamphlet I might write on unrequited love!
When you love someone unconditionally they become a big part of your life. You want to tell him you love him. You want to send him a card. You text him. You while away very many moments thinking about the person. You buy him gifts to demonstrate appreciation. You spend money you didn't have ... you run up huge 'phone bills ... you expend yourself in a hundred and one ways, thanking Almighty God for introducing that person into your life. And then what?
Well this is what happened to me : total contempt and gradual rejection became the order of the day. Ben would make it difficult to organise for us to be together, citing all sorts of pedestrian excuses. If you sent him a gift it would be rarely acknowledged. His telephone manner would become unbearably haughty and rude. He would know what would upset you and then do his level best to repeat the circumstances again and again. He would tease. Although he can reasonably expect to inherit great wealth and lives very comfortably he developed an extraordinary mean-spirited approach to life and those who love him. He absorbed much and gave little.
Our loving friendship became a source of great pain and continual rows. Ben would always talk you round to his way of thinking and then terminate the argument only to learn nothing and soon after drive you mad for the very same reason as before. He turned out to be a cold, calculating, manipulative person. I understand that a broken home background is the basis for Ben being unwilling to respond to a loving approach with anything other than contempt.
I found myself in Chippenham on Ascension Day this year. Ben cited a "Parish Council Meeting" as a reason to avoid us getting together. For me it was the last straw. No officialdom like minor officialdom eh? He couldn't be bothered to travel the few miles to see somebody he was supposed to love once. The following week he joined a church delegation visit to Malawi. I thought it was ironic that somebody who was effortlessly creating a lot of pain back in England was heading out to save Africa.
Since then our communication has disintegrated. We have rowed, exchanged unpleasant views about one another etc. Crossed the thin divide between love and hate. I gave Ben my all. In return he has hurt me more than any other individual I have met. His cowardice has precluded a civilised parting of the ways and I understand someone else who has a propensity to be a bit hysterical has sought to involve the police in our little domestic unhappiness. So there we are.
I am trying to be positive and rebuild my life. Ben drove me to contemplate the unthinkable. But I know that God loves me and wants me to be happy. I pray that He enables an introduction to someone who proves to be genuinely able and willing to share. Life Is Worth Living!
1 comment:
If you change a couple of names and a few details, that story is mine.
All I can say now is.... he didn't care, well, not enough. Love certainly is blind.
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